hakeswill (hakeswill) wrote,

and the dance continues...


I read the third Thomas Covenant book on Monday. I liked it, and I understand his way of thinking a lot better now. I was too young when I read the first book, so long ago. I went to the Book Exchange to look for book one of the second series, but they didn't have it. So I read the Summer of Katya, by Trevanian instead. I finished it today, while I was covering Maria's shift. Excellent book. I think everyone should read it.

Sarah called me tonight. There are many ways I could put a spin on what she had to say. The jist of it is that she decided today that she could never marry me while I am not in a good relationship with God, and that she can't be in a relationship with me right now, either. Funny how things change in 48 hours.

Still, I knew this was coming. I even made an entry predicting this on the 17th in my deadjournal. Here's what it said:

"I can feel her slipping away.

This is one of those entries that would not help myself or my gf in LJ, so I will post it here to make myself heard, if only by myself.

She is growing more distant, day by day. As she gets more comfortable being in "her" world, our connection grows more tenuous.

I can't join CP, although I know that is what she wants. I cannot be what I am not, even for her sake.

So, I try to be supportive of her when we call, but I think I know where this will go, and that I will be alone again.

Still, I will do what I can to ease the transition for her. It's the least I can do for the woman I love.

After that, I will begin searching again. I want to be with someone, and I am willing to be hurt over and over for that chance.

"life is sad, and so is love..."

I know that she wants us to be together, and that she wants me to be a Christian. In her mind, this declaration today removes the proxy Christianity she thinks I would have through her somehow. In my mind, she is manipulating me into becoming a Christian just to marry her or at least be in a relationship with her.

I realize that she feels relief to have "unburdened" herself and "come closer to God in prayer with friends." But I cannot decide to be a Christian at the drop of a hat. I will go to the Alpha classes. I will read the Bible. Who knows? Perhaps I will become a Christian again. But I will not be pressured into it. Not even for the woman that I love.

This isn't coming out very well, but I am a little angry. I still love her, and I am glad saying those things to me made her feel better. Never say never.

Disclaimer: "unburdened" and "come closer to God in prayer with friends" were my thoughts, not hers.

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