hakeswill (hakeswill) wrote,

ok, this is REALLY the last entry about my ex for a while

I wrote her an email on the 16th. Here's what it contained:

"I am writing this in spite of/because of your silence. The last time you wrote to me was almost two months ago. However, I am still willing to attempt to bridge the gap between us. You are worth the trouble.

I would like to see you before you go back to college. I just wanted you to know that. I realize that the answer is probably no, but I have to try to communicate with you. You mean too much to me to give up without striving for reconciliation. I miss talking to you. I wonder what is going on in your life.

If you can't/won't see me, could you at least reply to this email? Your silence wounds me more than words can say. I want to be a part of your life. You will always be in my heart, whether I see you or not. I don't want to lose you. You mean too much to me. My greatest hope is that someday you will be my best friend again, even if you are not my wife.

I am still growing and changing. I know you are as well. Still, I wish we could grow together. You have started a radical change in my being, and it seems to be accelerating. My journal entry for August 12th is dedicated to you. Here's what it says:

*insert August 12th entry*

Please reply to this. I really really really want to at least have you acknowledge that you got this, but I would prefer an honest answer from you.

Do you think that someday we will laugh about all of this?"

There was no reply, but I saw her mother on Sunday morning. I asked her when she was going back to Maine, and she said my ex was at work today and on Monday, and then leaving. Keep in mind that I have not spoken with my ex for about two months. I felt that calling her when she was unwilling to talk to me was out of line. However, I thought seeing her before she left was important enough to call her at work. So I called her. She said that she had just gotten my email that morning (the 19th), and that a reply would be sent to me that night. Then she said that she had to go.

Here is her reply from that night:

"I don't have time to even begin to write back to your email tonight- my mind's still blown from reading it. Yes, we can meet- is Tuesday still okay? I don't know what time yet. I'll write again tomorrow."

So, we met on Tuesday morning at Starbucks. It was nice to spend some time with her, but there were no sparks. I suppose that's a good thing, and it made it much easier to talk with her. We got some overpriced drinks, and then sat outside. We made some small talk for a while (a little about EM Forster), and then I tried to relate how I am feeling. I told her about my experiences and thoughts regarding the last two months. I said that I wanted to hear from her after I sent emails, but it was probably for the best that there were no replies, as it forced me to have dialogues internally. I told her that she had caused a division within me, that my heart and brain had many arguments, and that I am still working on unity. She told me that she thought I was courageous, in that I was trying to find someone to love again. She said that she doesn't think she'll be able to get that close to anyone for a long time. She told me that she does link me with the past, and that she doesn't like who she was then. She also said that she couldn't fuck up our relationship any more than she already has. I agreed with her, and then told her that I still wanted to be her friend. At that, her head whipped around, and she said "Why?" I answered, "Because I still like you. I don't like very many people on this planet, but I like you."

There was more, but I think I related the important lines. We walked over to the bank, and then I walked her home. I asked her if she would consider starting a correspondence with me, and then apologized for sounding like someone from EM Forster's novels. She agreed to my request. I gave her a note, and then said goodbye. Here is what the note said:

"If our relationship is to flourish, we need to move it to a better soil. There is no such thing as a clean slate. However, there is forgiveness, compassion, understanding, and communication.

I would like to be a part of your life again. However, I am glad that you are going back to college. My nerves are a bit frayed from catching fleeting glimpses of you. I still love you, as unconditionally as I can.

If your answer is yes, please define my role. I will try my best to give you what you desire, even if it is my silence.

As you wish, my love. As you wish"

So, after a day, what are my thoughts on all of this? I think I was a bit melodramatic with the email and the note, but both captured what I was trying to communicate. I am very glad that I talked to her. It set my mind at ease, as well as my heart. I don't know where my heart will lead me in the future, but it is a lot stonger than it was last year. I will always love her, but the part of me that is in love with her is going dormant. Perhaps some day it will reawaken, but I cannot count on it, since that would require her reciprocation. My drama now has some perspective...

And the search continues.

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