hakeswill (hakeswill) wrote,

it's time for change(s) in my life

Warning: this entry will probably be long and rambling...

Well, I saw my ex yet again. I was bored, and business was slow, so I wandered past the bookstore. She was inside, and actually looked at me for about 1/10 of a second. Then she hid behind a customer that was talking to her mother. On the plus side, I was able to snag a copy of John Welter's I Want To Buy a Vowel. It's not close to Begin to Exit Here, or Night of the Avenging Blowfish, but I will add it to my collection.

This will be my last entry to mention my ex, at least for a while. It helped me a lot to talk about her, but there is no point in continuing. I will still care for her, and she will keep her distance from me. End of story. Time for something new. However, I will make some comments about my relationship with her. We had some amazing times, and some very difficult ones. We were both naive, and both virgins when we started out. I have learned so much from her, as well as from her silence. I will never be able to repay her for all that she has done to/for/with me. So, I would like to put a few memories into this entry, as a means of farewell. Perhaps someday she will speak to me again, but I cannot count on that. I will only put good memories into this. The bad ones will definitely not be forgotten, but they don't need to be shown to the world. Here's a few lines from the Cure's "Treasure":

"remember I was always true
remember that I always tried
remember I loved only you
remember me, and smile
because it's better to forget, than to remember me and cry"

That last line is a lie, but the tone is apt. I have grown and learned from my errors. Thank you, Blossom...

So, here we go:

The first letter that she ran over with, after I wrote her. I asked her what we meant to each other; whether we were to be friends, lovers, soul mates. And she said that she loved me!

The first time that we kissed. I told her that I didn't feel anything. I believe she agreed with me. It turns out that (for us at least) kissing takes a lot of practise. Soon, it was incredible.

Sitting together and watching Chuck's fish swim. We were on the floor, just talking.

Taking the train together to Bryn Mawr, and holding hands.

Just walking together, anywhere.

Eating ice cream together.

Tickling her.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and climbing back into bed with her. Forgetting that she was there, and bring pleasantly surprised.

Holding her at the Cure concert, while Robert sang "From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea". We put our hands to the sky, and sobbed into each other's arms. I am actually tearing up as I write this.

Listening to "Treasure" together and crying. Sad songs almost always make me feel better. They resonate within me, and I rise above my problems.

Just holding her...

So, now what do I do with my life? I have decided to be proactive, rather than reactive. There is no knight in shining armor coming to save anyone. I need to move on.

I will not be buying Everquest. I have been thinking about it for a while now, but doing so would be admitting that I have no future socially. I don't do anything half-assed, and my friends call it Evercrack.

I am halfway to buying a car for the first time in my life. I hate them. I hate how stupid people are when they are on the road. But I realize it is a necessary evil.

I will try to go out once a week. Staying at home and wasting all of my time online is not very productive. I want to live!

There are other ideas I have for my future, but that is all I am willing to commit to for now.

I will love again. I will love again. I will love again. That is my mantra.

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