January 30th, 2002



Not much has been happening in my life, and I have felt drained, both emotionally and phsyically. I have an ex that isn't communicating very well, and a cold. Withdrawal seemed like a good idea.

Let's see. What has happened since my last "actual" update... I watched episode 2 of Invader Zim, and laughed when I saw the "question sleep" logo on a wall while Zim was lost in the city (Z?). I finished the Cider House Rules, and also the Witches of Eastwick, by John Updike. I played some Blood Bowl, and also some Diablo 2 with Sean. We haven't done that for a long time.

I went out to dinner with my sister on Tuesday night. I wasn't certain that we still had plans, so I ate a Marie Callendar chicken and broccoli pot pie a couple of hours before we left, as well as some Godiva ice cream. We went to an Outback Steakhouse, which I have never been to before. We ordered a plate of cheese fries as an appetizer, and that filled me up. I ordered ribs and barbecued chicken (the Drover's Platter), but ended up putting it through the oven at work today for lunch. Mmmmmmm...

Kerry and I talked about relationships throughout the evening. I talked about my relationship that I had with Sarah. She talked about my brother and his wife, since she had just spent the weekend with them in Boston. I bought a phone card on the way home, and then Kerry and I watched a bunch of stupid shows on MTV until she had to leave.

So, about relationships. I have had two that mattered now, and several crushes, infatuations, etc. Eventually, I will get one right. I just have to keep on trying.

Relationship #1) Lela.

It is still bittersweet to think of her. The mistakes we both made were usually out of ignorance, but we still hurt each other. I understand her silence a little better now. She probably has nothing helpful to say to me, and we have very little in common at this point.

Problems on my side: immaturity, ignorance, selfishness, ulcerative colitis (later turning into surgery, then recovery, now a permanent colostomy).

Problems on her side: parents divorced while she was young (and both are not what I would call mentally stable), eating disorders, cutting, low self image/esteem, ignorance.

the second woman I slept with) Deb

After Lela and I broke up, I made friends online with one of my sister's friends, Deb. There was no "relationship" to speak of. It was only physical wants. We had a lot of fun online and on the phone, so I went out to visit her last March. Well, things didn't go as I had hoped. We only slept together once, and that was the first night. We didn't click. She hurt me with her inattention, but it was still a good thing for me to do. Short term pain, but long term growth.

Relationship #2) Sarah

As I said while she was here with me, "It sucks that we are so close to being perfect for each other." She is intelligent, articulate, attractive... But, some things are non-negotiable. She originally said that she did not want children. Now she does. She is with Covenant Players, and it looks like she will be for a long time.

Since the breakup, Sarah has not been treating me like a friend. She has been misconstruing comments that I make, and then overreacting. She has been trying to get a rise out of me with "minefield" questions, but I refuse to take the bait. She is dumping on me about her problems, and generally acting immature. I think one problem is that I was deliberately not manipulating her, so she took the bit and ran with it.

So now what? I would like to be her friend, but only if she reciprocates.

The "crux" that I saw last Friday was the difference between want and need. I told her that to have a successful relationship with God, you have to need him. I told her I don't need anyone in my life. At least not right now. On Sunday night, Sarah asked me if I needed her. I said no. She said she would have to think about that. She needs CP. She needs God. Is that a strength or a weakness? It depends on who you ask. My parents would say strength. I would say weakness.