June 21st, 2001


finally, a response from her

I sent her this yesterday afternoon:

"Am I putting too much pressure on you by wanting to talk to you? I would love to hear your response to what I said on last Wednesday."

This is what I found in my email when I came home from work tonight:

"Well, a week later I still don't know how to respond to your address of last Wednesday. I've been avoiding you since both because of the hostility you manifest around me and the fact that I really don't know what to say to you. Yes, I am open to the idea of, and willing to be your friend- I think that might have been one of our biggest mistakes, that we weren't really friends to begin with. As you've pointed out, however, the past is over and done with. For the present, the problem I see as paramount is that you don't want to just be friends, and as such cannot help asking for- and likely not receiving- more than I can give you. This doesn't seem like a valid way of existing to me. We can't talk as friends, because the past looms so high over us; we can't look ahead to the future with any certainty. I am not capable of telling you how much your words meant to me; I wish I had my father's gift with words. The years I spent with you were some of the most illuminating and joyous ones that I expect I'll have, despite their flaws. I cherish their memory even as I do you. I don't want to keep hurting you. I don't think that's possible, at least for the time being; I hope with all my heart that you'll move on to someone who loves you the same way. If you think that we have a chance of being friends- not talking about nothing and avoiding each other's gazes- then I will give it my best. I wish you only the best. And I wish all my writing didn't sound like I lifted it from a cheesy Dutch bodice-ripper, but that's the way it seems to be turning out. My apologies.."

The word that jumped out at me was hostility. Is that what she is thinking? Is she that bad at interpreting my feelings, or am I unaware of what I am projecting? Either way, there is a huge problem.

I guess I am not ready to be friends with someone who wants little or no contact. I value time with her a lot higher than she does with me, and I have been hurting enough since she came back from college.

Goodbye, my love. You were my only, at least you were...