June 13th, 2001


(no subject)

I saw my ex today.

This is the email I sent her on Friday:

"My breath actually caught in my throat when I saw you outside Pizza Hut. You drove over to the Post Office and then you drove away...

Do you want to see me? How do you feel about me now? I get this feeling that you are avoiding me, and only being as nice as you guiltily feel you have to be when I am with you."

And her reply on Monday:

"I'm not avoiding you; I can't come by to see you every time I go into Paoli. You're right that I don't really know how to see you. I don't feel like you're going to be content with us being friends, and that alone makes me a little leery of seeing you. Does that make sense? I hope so. I don't want you to feel like I'm intentionally blocking you out of my life, because it isn't the case. What are you doing Wednesday?"

And my response on Monday:

"I don't know if I am going to be content only being friends either, but I would like to try. I miss spending time with you. I am glad that you say you aren't intentionally blocking me out of your life, but that is how it appears to me. When you said we had the whole summer, I thought that meant we would actually see each other.

As for Wednesday, I think I am working 4-close, but Yuriy hasn't made the schedule yet. Call me at Pizza Hut tomorrow after 4 pm if you would like to do something on Wednesday.

I am "leery" also. Part of my problem with you is that there is no resolution at all with you... Only a lack of communication.

I had a dream about us last night. We were in bed, and I licked your ear. You frowned and crinkled your nose like you always do, and then we started tickling each other. I stopped tickling you when you started gasping for breath.

Do you consider me a friend?"

Needless to say, I was worried about seeing her again. We met over at Baskin-Robbins, and made small talk over ice cream. I told her I didn't know how to talk to her anymore, and she said the same about me. I asked her if she would talk with me at my house since I would rather not cry at Baskin Robbins, and she said yes.

Well, we played with the kitties for a bit, and then we moved to the living room. I tried to explain to her how much she means to me, but it was difficult to articulate since I was crying. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her, and she hugged me. I wish I could remember everything I said, although I don't know if I would post it here even if I could. She said that she still loved me, and that she still cared for me. She feels that she betrayed everything we had by breaking up with me, and I agreed with her. Then I said that what we had was an immature relationship, and that we both made a lot of mistakes.

She woke me up almost four years ago, and made me realize that I could actually love someone. We are both maturing, and our lives are going to keep changing. But I want her to be a part of my life. I love her.

She started to tear up at the end, and said that she had to go. She will respond to what I said in a letter, so that she can be more coherent. I said that wasn't fair, and laughed a little.

So now I will wait, and see what she has to say...