May 24th, 2001



Well, I saw my ex today, two days before she was due to arrive down here.

I went over to the store that her mother works at, since it is so close to Pizza Hut. I was going to ask her if she had heard any news about my ex, and she was there with her! My first emotion was shock. I couldn't tell you what she was wearing. All I could do was look at her face, and say hi. She explained that she had just gotten in. I hugged her, but it was awkward... Then I told her I would like to talk with her, and she said they were just leaving. My emotion was now dismay. I had to go back to the store, since I was running it, and noone else was there to answer the phones. I wrote down my schedule for the next two weeks, and went out to give it to her, since a driver had come back from deliveries. She was sitting in her mother's car, looking at a map. I told her I was working crazy hours, and she said she would be shortly at her summer job as well. Then I went back into Pizza Hut. Then I felt despair.

After not seeing her for so long, she would rather look at a map than talk to me? Am I that unimportant to her? I felt numb, totally out of her life. I blinked back the tears and kept on working. Around 9, I called WXPN and requested Seasick, Yet Still Docked, but they didn't play it.

Around 10, I starting feeling better again. At least getting depressed over her doesn't last weeks anymore. Am I misconstruing how she feels about me? Was she startled to see me as well? I don't know, but I would like to find out. I am writing her a letter tomorrow. I still want to be in her life, if she will let me...

Am I a masochist or just hopeful? I want to be with her again, even though that wouldn't be possible for years. I love her, and I would do almost anything for her. I wish I was telepathic, but I fear what I might find in her thoughts if I was.