April 5th, 2001

happy!!

if it be your will...

Well, it's been a while since I posted on here. I have been working an awful lot, and I have been trying to decide how to explain my feelings as coherently as possible. So here goes.

I was reading Ender's Game (for the umpteenth time) over the weekend. When I finally turned out the light and tried to sleep, this feeling of depression washed over me. I was struck by an awful thought. "Was that the happiest time of my life? Will everything after my ex just be a downward spiral?" (apologies to Trent) Luckily for me, I can only mope for so long before I start functioning again.

I still feel damaged from the breakup, though. There is a huge hole in my psyche where she was. My heart is still in Maine, and the rest of me is down here in PA. All I want is to love and be loved. I think being in a relationship would help to "fix" me, but until I am more centered, I doubt I would even be able to try and date anyone. I hate catch-22s. So, I wait, and hope that there is healing going on inside myself. Is it possible for me to grow a second heart? I hope so, because I want to feel that way again.
happy!!

my second song - If it be your will, by Leonard Cohen

"If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will."

*sigh* - what a voice - what lyrics!