March 19th, 2001


a quote from the Prince of Tides

page 438, where Tom and Lowenstein are talking...

"You were about to tell me something about being a man. What was it?" Dr. Lowenstein asked.
"You'll just laugh at me," I whined.
"Probably," she admitted.
"There's only one thing difficult about being a man, Doctor. Only one thing. They don't teach us how to love. It's a secret they keep from us. We spend our whole lives trying to get someone to teach us how to do it and we never find out how. The only people we can ever love are other men because we understand the loneliness engendered by this thing denied. When a woman loves us we're overpowered by it, filled with dread, helpless and chastened before it. Why women don't understand us is that we can never return their love in full measure. We have nothing in return. We were never granted the gift."

I don't know how true this is, but it resonates...

"was it love, or was it the idea of being in love..."

I feel trapped in a morass of my own making. After work, I have spent all day on this computer, and I haven't done anything productive. But how to get out of this slump?

I really want a girlfriend...

I read Mazes and Monsters yesterday. It's a book from 1981 showing how Dungeons and Dragons can warp a person's mind. This is back when a few kids killed themselves and the witch hunt began. My parents burned all of my D&D stuff in the backyard. I was so pissed. I have always loved games, and I get addicted to certain ones. Looking back, it's probably for the best that they did it, but I thought it was so unfair. Here's a quote from the book.

"It was very important to him to win at games. He didn't care about winning at sports, or in life, but games were different. A game was the only thing that was exactly what you wanted it to be."

Damn straight.

My father used to tell me that I would grow out of it (playing games), but I never believed him. It's true though. It took 31 years to prove him right, but I would much rather be in a relationship instead of playing a game. Does this mean I am finally growing up?