March 17th, 2001


my emails to and from my ex

Well, I am in a bit of a depression over my ex at the moment. I sent her this email:

"I just wanted to tell you I am serious about you in the long term. The only future I envision is one with you, and I really hope that someday we will be together again. You are the one for me, or at least I hope you are. Otherwise, I think I have damned myself.

I am not trying to worry you, just trying to explain how I feel about you. You will always have my heart, regardless of what happens."

Then I sent her one telling her I had just read the Bell Jar, and asking how her fig tree was doing. This is her response...

"Hello again. I never finished The Bell Jar- I don't remember how much I actually read, but probably not enough to catch any references to it. Steve, I don't know how to respond to your emails. It's melodramatic, but I'm not capable of loving anyone at the moment. I don't know why. I remember the earlier days of our time together and I don't understand the path that took us here, or me to whatever state I'm in. I know I'm being selfish and I don't have any excuses for it. Reading over this, it seems terribly cold and distant. I don't know what to do. I can't give you any encouragement because it wouldn't be honest, and at the same time I feel like if I don't, I run the risk of pushing you over the edge. I am trying to balance between the omnipresent problems at home and the classes and work here, and there isn't any room for me to be in a relationship. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I think I'm going nuts as is- practically every time I talk to my parents leaves me a nervous wreck and I've broken down more than I'd like. I wish I could tell you something else. I hope you can find someone or something to make you happy, or at least happier with life in general.
...I'll write you from France. Good luck with Mike and everything else-"

And my response to that...

"I cried after I read your email. I think I understand you the best (except for your family), but I was ignoring how you actually are and sending you emails in hopes of you suddenly changing... I am not happy with how things are between us, or the lack of anything between us. I am just another stress in your life at this time, and that makes me sad.

I still love you, and I wish I could make you smile. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I will help however I can, although for now that seems to mean leaving you alone.

Call me in the summer?"

I sound rather pathetic, but I want to make her happy, and be with her. They don't seem to fit together though.

so now what?

My choices seem to be:

1) wait for the person I am in love with - who has rejected me

2) try to move on - but she has my heart

Neither is a good choice, but they are all that I have. So I will try to find laughter wherever I can, and perhaps I will find someone else to love and be loved by. That would be nice, but I really don't see it happening anytime soon.

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to find a person to have a solid relationship with.